Why God? Why this...now

How much more can I take? I haven't been online in a while. Just when I thought that I was gaining a little control over my life, just when I was adjusting to my limitations, a shock came out of the darkess. God has been so good to me through all of the adjustments that I have made in my life....limited mobility will change your life drastically. I felt that I was coping pretty well and then an ordinary blood test would turn my world upside down and test my faith.

Suddenly my kidneys have decided that they don't want to work. I was at my Doc's office, doing a routine blood workup, and the next day he called me at home. That is the first sign of something wrong....when your doctor calls you himself!
It appeared that my kidneys were not filtering my blood as needed. I was rushed to a Kidney specialist (Nephrologist) and more blood work was done. She expected to find the answer in my blood, but I wasn't that lucky. My blood work showed that I was actually in "starvation" mode and none of the vitamins and minerals I need to be well were at the healthy level. I knew I had lost 40 pounds,  but I thought that I was just lucky. I didn't think it was a bad thing when my appetite dropped off to nothing over the past few months.
Anyway, I wasn't eating enough and I wasn't getting enough Vitamin D....she said it was as though I had been living in a cave and I was not getting ANY sunlight, which is the best way to receive Vitamin D.
She was right.....I haven't felt well for several months. I do not get outside for weeks at a time. I just thought that my Fibromyalgia was in a flare and had not given it much thought....well the pieces of the puzzle were finally coming together.
As of now, I am going to another Doctor next week so that they can check my bladder and all the "plumbing" that leads to the kidneys....my doc wants to make sure that the problem is JUST my kidneys and not something else too.
After that...I expect to be admitted to the hospital for a Kidney biopsy. Since I have several blood clotting disorders, this makes me a high risk patient. My chances of bleeding after the procedure are great, and I could lose my left kidney in the process.
I really don't mean to sound so dire and depressed, and I usually can take my health issues to the Lord and leave the rest to him. I have learned how to live with my Fibromyalgia and asthma, but his has knocked the breath out of me.
God is there for me...I know he is....but for the first time I am afraid and I know that I should have stronger faith...
I am trying to take this one day at a time, but so far I have only received bad reports from the doctors and they are scratching their heads trying to figure out what is causing me to be in Acute Renal Failure. The diagnosis alone frightens me. Why am I so weak spiritually at this point in my life?
I had hoped that the last couple of years would have strengthened me, but I feel exhausted.
My dear husband comforts me as best he can. He told me that I am EXHAUSTED and that is why this is hitting me so hard. He told me that feeling afraid and scared was normal and not a sign of weakness. Somewhere deep inside I know he is right, I know that I have handled my declining health as best I could. I am only human and I think I am expecting too much from myself.
I guess now is the time to really REST IN THE LORD. I can't fight this battle, I AM GOING TO HAVE TO SURRENDER TO GOD AND FIND MY PEACE AND REST WITHIN HIS ARMS.

I

The Smell of Fall

I prayed....I opened my eyes this morning and tried to pretend as thought my body was betraying me with every breath I took. The asthma and Fibromyalgia were at war with other. I am not sure who was winning, but I knew I would be fighting back at both of them. I need and wanted to pray...just to give thanks to him for being alive. So I took a deep breath, eased myself up onto my wheelchair (It was a wheelchair day...not a cane day  :'(

and rolled into the living room. The house was quiet and I spent some time with Jesus. He is always there, just beside me, he never leaves and I know that I can always count on him. The pain does begin to ease. More than anything I want to be able to go outside and to smell the damp, brightly colored leaves that carpet my lawn. The trees hang heavy with colors of crimson, orange and bright yellow. Fall is my favorite time of year. I know that most people favor Spring or Summer...but to me, during the Fall season, God is showing us just how beautiful his creations can become. It is almost time for them to rest, just like me when I have to rest from working on my book. I may not want to stop typing or reading, but I know if I rest as I know God is telling me to do, I will be able to accomplish much more when I feel better. Mother Earth is a lot like that. It is only after she has shown us just how beautiful she can be, she shed her brightly colored sheath and stands before us, almost as if she has died. Never fear...She is not dead, just resting...resting so she can come back in full swing to leave us awe stuck again. Thank you God for giving us such perfect examples to live from.

I am still dreaming....

I know it has been over a year since my last posting, but the past year has held many for me....some I won and some I lost, but in Gods eyes they were all winners. You see.....I have to remember to look at this life through the eyes of God. We often do not understand why we must suffer or why our faith is tried, but we have to remember that God is GROWING us...GROWING us to be better Christians. We fall so short of the mark, but he still loves us. God is always there for us and when we emerge from out tunnel we are better for it.
Yes..it would be wonderful is we didn't have any trouble, sickness or pain in the world, but isn't that what Heaven is all about! I am on my way to Heaven...are you? I want everyone to know that I look forward to those day free of trouble, pain or sickness....if it were not for the darkness we wouldn't appreciate the light. That is why we are "humans that need a redeemer". Christ is that redeemer and he is my ticket to Heaven. Praise Him!

Take it the the Lord

Why do we so often try to fix all of our problems ourself before taking it to the Lord? I am still learning to turn things over to God FIRST....before I mess it up with my stuggles to fix a situation. I can't do it...only God can.

My depression has gotten pretty bad, and last night I finally prayed for help. Why did I wait so long? Why did I cause myself untold suffering because I did not turn to the Lord first? I make this mistake over and over again. God, through his magnificence does not punish me, he simply waits until I look up and turn things over to him. Thank you my dear Lord for being there for me, always having your hand outstreched and for loving me even though I am unworthy.

Back now!

I have been away for quite some time. I have been sick over the past few months and busy getting my "regular" website up and running. But here I am again. It is my desire to post here frequently enough, so that my friends can join me on my journey. Writing a novel has posed a great learning experience for me. I write for online magazines, but writing a novel that will speak to the reader, lift them up and bless them is my dream of all dreams. I pray daily before I even touch my keyboard, that God will lead my fingers and inspire my mind to create characters that come to life on the page.
I hope that when the book is finished, that God will gain the glory for what he has helped me accomplish, for I can do nothing without him. He is my publisher, editor, agent and friend. Above all he is my Savior! Praise his name.
Many of you know that I suffer from severe Fibromyalgia, blood clotting disorders and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. That makes things a bit difficult because I never know what each day holds. One day I am walking normally, the next I may be in my electric wheelchair...but God is there with me, carrying me on the days I can't walk on my own.
People often ask me if I pray for healing, and I say yes...but healing can come in different forms. God has NEVER failed to heal someone, but it may be only when they meet him after death that the healing comes.
I am amazed at how the "sickness" I have has richly blessed my life. I have made friends that I would not have made otherwise. I have learned not to rely simply on myself, but to rely on God. You see, I was what I call a "Fix it Fox"...I was contantly helping someone else, trying to fix my problems without God's help and jumping ahead of him. That is not the way he wanted it, so I believe he slowed me down. He slowed me down so I could hear his still small voice. He slowed me down so that I have to pray constantly for his strength. He slowed me down so that he could have my entire heart and that is what he ultimately wants.
Every problem we have, every disappointment we have, every blessing we have serves only to bring us closer to God in some way.
I have lost a daughter, had 9 misscarriages, had a husband that was near death many times with his own illness, watched my husband die and then return with his own "life after death" testimony. I have become ill physically too, but each of these incidents served only to bring me closer to the father. Finally...he has my heart.
Please look inside yourself. God wants to be your first love, your trust. But most of all he wants your heart completely dedicated to him. He wants to be your first love.

Another day ~

I woke up this morning in pain as usual...but I was still grateful for a new day. I try to never lose site of the fact that the pain I have is here for a reason. Maybe it is here to keep me close to God, maybe it is here to help me focus on what is important in life. I am not sure why I must suffer from the pain of Fibromyalgia, but I accept it as part of my life.

Even with the pain, I am a blessed woman. I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful family who supports my efforts as a writer and a dream that keeps me going. I have been introduced to a wonderful publisher who is willing to help me make my dreams come true....what more could I want?

I am determined not to let pain, discouragement, or negative comments from others to get me down. God has a plan for my life and he already has fought every battle for me....why should I fear anything?

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining.....I am praising God in ALL things, good and bad. We have to remember that some of the things in our lives that we, or others, think of as "bad" are actually blessings. We just have to step back, take a deep breath, and keep walking toward the light.